˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖lilyworld SECRET diary ˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

welcome to my little diary... just a place for all my silly ramblings...TALKYTOWN

06/05/25
once again i am restarting this diary, for some inexplicable reason. i go a little while without updating here, but i don't know why; i am fully incapable of expressing my true thoughts elsewhere, so i have come to lean on this diary, this html mess, as an outlet for all the feelings that i cannot say to anyone. not that i neccesarily conceal anything from people- i just express them in a different form, more palateable, easier to understand. it's funny, because what i write here, even i don't really understand a lot of it, but it feels as if my intuition, my inner-self, is often writing for me. i don't know if that makes sense, actually. but yeah.

it is kind of weird for me to write here though, as i am fully aware that this is being perceived by the audience (whoever they may be), and that in some ways, self-censoring will occur- either consciously or unconsciously. thinking about that is funny, in a way- it stresses me out to be so aware of the fact that i may not be completely uncensored here, but i know it is not a bad thing, neccessarily. why would it be? the age of vulnerability on the internet- has that passed?* not sure- but i feel like forcing yourself to lay bare every secret you have, completely, is a strange thing to do and so often not-at-all needed. is anyone asking you/me/us to confess your greatest trauma, and your ugliest thoughts? no. write freely, without restraint, but only in a way that you desire. stop imagining the audience's reaction. kill the viewer living inside your head. go do something authentic and unwatched and undocumented, and don't return to tell the world about it after.

do you see the point i am trying to make?

* it is interesting- the way we grapple with the constant and needless oversharing, simultaneously, whilst the atmosphere on the internet grows increasingly stale. i feel as if that's why i often struggle to find a balance; i want to "protest"(in a way) against this completely bland, corporate internet, so i am deeply, regretfully honest on here. note to self: your melancholy and your fearful disposition do not need to be self-exposed as a way of protest. there are other ways, goodness me.

anyway.

07/05/25
i think i'd be pretty okay if the general public suddenly decided to hate me. it would be very sad if it was a friend or the boyfriend, of course, but with the public, it doesn't really matter too much. to me the public is a monolith, so it's just like if one person in the bodies of many decided to turn against me. that would be pretty freaky though. right? but anyway. i have this reccuring dream, where i get outed as a neo-nazi, and suddenly i am launched into the eyes of the public, as number one enemy (apart from the other neo-nazis, of course) and a danger to society. but it doesn't particuarly bother me, this concept of being universally hated; i think, that if you have people close to you, people who love you regardless of your weird fuckin interests or beliefs, then you'll do fine. it doesn't matter if the stranger on the street gives you a very nasty evil look- because they are strangers. you'll be okay. i feel like i'm not doing a very good job of explaining my point of view, but i feel as if you can see what point i am trying to make. i was also going to add, that if you are hated by everyone, then maybe you are doing something wrong. maybe, it's definitely a possibility- but historically the public has not been the best judge of morals and opinion. the crowd preferred to have barabbas the murderer released instead of jesus, so, you know.

11/05/25
i'm okay, i'll always be okay. going to work on figure drawing & anatomy. i'm very into antiques & auctions these days, particuarly art, and also militaria & antique guns. me & gustav have been looking at vintage things lately, we plan a collection of antiques in our future home. he likes old lighters too, he wants a collection of that. when i get money, perhaps i'll buy him a vintage cartier lighter; i also love the cases they come in, so lovely. BIG PLANS!

sweden dates, finally sorted those out: july 3rd - 13th. ten days! shorter than i would like, but then again i'd prefer to stay forever. this will be my first time flying actually... rather nervous about it, but it'll be okay. the flight is Not what i'm nervous about, it's just navigating the airport & security & check-in, all on my own. BUT I SHALL PERSERVE. summer... nature... forest... :> i've been feeling pretty fuckin depressed lately, burnt out about art exams, my Lack of Talent. but i have one final exam, only two & a half days long, so it'll work out. just need to WORK ON MY BLOODY POWERPOINT. that's all. it's lacking like crazy, i have like 12 slides when everyone else has 50(?). but i'll lock in today, hopefully. then I AM FREE.

07/05/25
i think i'd be pretty okay if the general public suddenly decided to hate me. it would be very sad if it was a friend or the boyfriend, of course, but with the public, it doesn't really matter too much. to me the public is a monolith, so it's just like if one person in the bodies of many decided to turn against me. that would be pretty freaky though. right? but anyway. i have this reccuring dream, where i get outed as a neo-nazi, and suddenly i am launched into the eyes of the public, as number one enemy (apart from the other neo-nazis, of course) and a danger to society. but it doesn't particuarly bother me, this concept of being universally hated; i think, that if you have people close to you, people who love you regardless of your weird fuckin interests or beliefs, then you'll do fine. it doesn't matter if the stranger on the street gives you a very nasty evil look- because they are strangers. you'll be okay. i feel like i'm not doing a very good job of explaining my point of view, but i feel as if you can see what point i am trying to make. i was also going to add, that if you are hated by everyone, then maybe you are doing something wrong. maybe, it's definitely a possibility- but historically the public has not been the best judge of morals and opinion. the crowd preferred to have barabbas the murderer released instead of jesus, so, you know.

16/05/25

feeling hurt at someone i liked, but i don't know why i'm hurt. i'm angry too, like viscious, frothing at the mouth type angry, which is a completely disproportionate response to the situation. but i can always sense when someone isn't a good person - like, my intuition has Never been wrong, though when i'm deep in the trenches of COPING, mega copery, i always try and gaslight myself that i'm just deluded. but it is not! not at all! i've always been right when it comes to my (dis)trust/ suspicion of others. and this person, i really used to like them. like had a big ass crush on them, but now i feel as if my positive feelings have been replaced by anger, and hatred. i can't put my finger on why, but i feel a vague(yet incredibly persistent) sense of betrayal. i have always been insane and weird about people! i just want to say "i hope you die". but then i feel bad about that, so it's conflicting!!