˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖lilyworld SECRET diary ˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

welcome to my little diary... just a place for all my silly ramblings...TALKYTOWN

29/04/25
restarting this once again, for some unexplainable reason. i have so much to say but i keep purging all of it- unsure why, shame, or embarrasment, or something else. does it matter? am i overanalysing everything again? it feels like i am. but i think this diary is mostly just some way of trying to get people to see me, not lilyworld or whatever, but my actual self. i am tired of how people choose to portray//perceive me, as if i am not a real girl with real thoughts and a real sickness that is seemingly growing worse. i hate thta i complain so much, but here feels like my only outlet, because i can't really talk to anyone about my feelings or whatever. not even gustav, because i know it will stress him out and make him sad and i don't want to do that- i do love him, i think. but there's something terribly wrong between us, and i don't know if he feels it too or if i am just stuck here, holding a painful indescribable feeling in my arms and letting it kill me ever so slowly. lord. i feel so.. stuck, as if i don't know what to do. well , not as if, i don't. we always have choices, or at least one, but i can't seem to find them, or feel them calling out to me at all. it's like i'm walking in a room, but as i go further it gets darker and darker. what am i to do? sometimes i think that this is what this diary is for; i want someone to see it, and to say "hey it's gonna be alright. i know what to do".

whenever i speak with gustav i feel a sort of growing emptiness between us, like i'm running out of things to say, energy to give. i don't feel confident about seeing him again in summer. i may just walk out of house, go to the forest and lay there and die or something like that. i feel so helpless and fucked up lately, as if something shifted, the energy, but i don't know how or what. i talk about being less cowardly and more honest and direct with people, but it's the same. i wanted to say "i hate you" today, but i didn't. i don't know why but i think i'm too attached to everything, even when there is absolutely nothing to hold onto. it's like i'm grasping at straws to believe i'm still valued or wanted or even recognised. it's all painful and my body hurts with it all- it is making me physically ill. sick and tired and frequent headaches. i am close to doing something i shouldn't. a lot of this is self-inflicted pain, because i am deeply selfish and jealous and envious of everything, but i really do try. sometimes i think being bad is in my nature. i am sorry.

when people first meet me, they know who i am at the start- joyous and funny and whimsical and happy- but it slowly wears off and i become me, so angry and sad all the time, so it immediatly turns them away and distances me from everyone. i cannot blame them though, i don't. it just hurts. will i ever be recognised, for me, truly? even with gustav, it feels like he only knows a small portion of me. i told him a lot of my trauma but i cannot feel close to him. i cannot feel a bond, but then again, have i ever really bonded with anyone outside of the realms of lust and desire? i am pretty and i am fuckable and i am interesting but i am not enough. looking back i can see how sterile and sexualised and ingenuine everyone was to me- when all i ever wanted was someone to love forever and to be held. it makes me sad. i have no other words to describe how it makes me feel. i am sorry. why do i feel so isolated from everyone? why have i never formed a secure relationship? why do i feel so desperate to be loved genuinely, but feel so coldly towards everyone? it feels as if i am outside of the general population, looking in on everyone else. gosh.

my anger is immensely childish and unrelenting. i do not get over anything. things that are inconsequential make me want to say "I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU." and "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU". i wonder what's wrong with me.

30/4/25
the months pass so quickly these days, i'm not sure if i can tolerate it. it's all so fast. but i am okay i think- just really, incredibly irritated that i have to leave early today; we finish at 3, my bus is at 17:09 pm, which means i have to wait for over two hours. no other buses come throughout the entire day. to be honest, i am INCREDIBLY sick of it all. i fucking hate these buses.